a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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