checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
