Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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