He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
