There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
