It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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