My hand turned me down
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
