this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
