Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
