found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
