Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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