absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
