i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
