I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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