I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
