the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
