i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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