You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
