hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
