i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
