the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
