I want you more than these girls want KFC
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
