You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
