I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
