my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
