I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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