Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
