im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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