You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
