I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
