So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
