My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
