I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
