jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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