Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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