Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
