apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my shit smells like andre
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
