I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
