i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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