M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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