this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
