Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
