if only i could text you this smell
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
