I'm gonna have a badass scar
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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