Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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