Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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