Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
