i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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