If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
