One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
