Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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