connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
