There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
