I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
