What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
