Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
