i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
