mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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